My Second Wife

Originally Published November 10, 2004

I really need to get this "first wife" phase of my life over and done with so I can move on to the "trophy wife" phase. While I am here in the Northwest Executive Lounge at the New York La Guardia airport, I notice that aside from my fellow businessmen who are flying somewhere today, there is a creepy level of older men with younger women who are wearing very large, and I do mean huge, diamond rings and tennis bracelets. Ladies, as an aside, would you really wear a wide band bracelet full of diamonds to play tennis?

A few years ago, when our company had a vertical target of banks, I would attend conferences filled with notably older men walking the exhibit isles with their significantly younger wives on their arms. These women were my age but married to someone of the stature and bladder control of George Burns. These bankers love to golf. It made for great conferences in Phoenix or Hawaii during the coldest of winters.

So, in estimation, my second wife, while I have not even met the first, would be about ten years old this year and just beginning to wear make-up and notice boys are there for more then hitting. But these are important years for her, where she gets caught up in the importance of money and objects over things like love and good looks. Her father is very important and wrapped around her finger. Hopefully she will be as shallow as I am and only be interested in taunting me with the idea of intimacy in exchange for things that really make her happy like a club membership or gloating over a circle of her friends, whom she never really liked any way.

Please first wife, find me and get rid of me quickly so I can get on with the enjoyment of looking like I am escorting my daughter all over the world or get the senior discount at the movies while buying her a child's ticket.

How I long for the good times to come.