In a previous post I explained a little mental challenge I used to play called Binary Love. The rules are simple. In the first seconds of spotting someone you need to identify a simple yes or no to one question – would you ever have sex with that person. While a simple statement, I always have to preface that “would ever” means the most extreme of situations e.g. on a deserted island, last two people to survive nuclear holocaust, trapped in a small space for months.
Enough of a recap – the mistake I made was that I said yes to Joan Rivers. Now keep in mind two years ago there was still a mental image of the 80’s Joan Rivers, who was older and experienced but still functional.
Joan and her assistant flew to New York in front of me last Monday. I believe she was going to work the red carpet or attend the CMA’s.
When we stood to disembark from the plane I got a look - a really good look. She was wearing big sunglasses to cover the bags. We were all tired for such an early flight. But I am sure she had something to hide.
The skin on her face was taught and pulled back so tight she couldn’t help but smile to greet me. Her ears seemed much further back than any normal humans. There was so much make-up spackled on as a base that the pale white skin of her neck was striking to the orange line along the chin.
It’s true. She looked more like Jack Nicholson’s Joker from Batman than the funny Joan Rivers I remembered. She is most definitely and absolutely a no.
Before you judge me on judging others on how they look, let me tell you about my return trip Friday.
Friday evening I had been waiting at LGA for over an hour. There were two flights to DTW before my 7:45. One was over sold and the other delayed to only minutes before my fight.
The airport was packed with Michigan alumni going home for the biggest game of the year against Ohio. I have little tolerance for this living in Ann Arbor. I see enough of the schools colors and already hear how much better football, hockey, golf, baseball, women’s field hockey, sports stadiums, pizza, booze, air, engineering and law schools are than any other place on earth.
After the two flights left I sat in a semi-empty area with a few people. It was nice to put on the head phones and close out the world and get through a few chapters of my book after a busy week of shaking hands.
I set the book down and noticed a very attractive woman sitting a few chairs away. It was Soledad O’Brien in the same out fit she wore that morning. She was making a few cell calls and writing a few notes in her big pink folder.
She almost reminded me of a girl I had gone to high school with in her hot little outfit carrying an overstuffed bag full of fun folders and fuzzy capped pens. Instead, it was this morning anchor woman.
About forty minutes later I was standing by the pay phone bank when a little guy started to run past me. Of course anyone who has been around kids this age knows that when they start to run, they are looking for you to chase them. When you chase them, they run faster. As the little man picked up the pace a high heeled Soledad gave chase. She was quick. After about twenty yards she finally stopped him in his tracks. He was dangling from one arm as she pulled him back to gate seven. He had gone limp like a bag of wet potatoes to carry. She smiled at every step.
Travel brings out the true identity of an individual. Faced with pressure, warm bodies, tough choices, bad food, small spaces, and the general public, your true colors shine for everyone to see.
For Joan I found that she needs things immediately, had to have others carry her bags, needs a stretched limo, and is generally unpleasant in the morning.
Soledad is a hot mom who will run down a stranger’s kid to make sure it doesn’t get away. Her smile is not fake – she is generally happy even when the flight is late, she is okay if she doesn’t get the up grade, and likes her pink folders and fuzzy pens in an over sized bag. She also likes to make flirty eyes with heavy set blonde business men like me. Or she could just be really, really nice.
Soledad is most definitely a yes.